BLAST YOU, HOLLYWOOD, YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT!!!

KM Scott

Hi.

Movies. They've inundated my life. No other form of media - no, not even cave paintings - have affected me the way the moving picture has. The culmination of this lifelong infatuation has given me an insight to movies like no other human can comprehend. As such, it is much my pleasure as my duty to break through the veil of chaos that surrounds the film industry at large and present to you, my hungry reader, the sliced and de-rinded fruit of my joy.

Arright, so to kick this thing off, I’m going to blahg about a phenomenon that Hackywood seems to have been obsessed about lately – remakes. This is the process, as you well know, of making a film based on a previously made film. This is not new. And, despite the horrifying ring of the collective moans that issue forth from the gab-o-sphere and associated forums whenever a remake is announced, it is not necessarily a bad idea. Some of the most famous and well-made films in history have been remakes, not the least of them The Magnificent Seven (based on Akira Kurosawa’s The Seven Samurai), John Carpenter’s The Thing (a slant on Howard Hawks’ The Thing From Another World, with a healthy dose of the original novella Who Goes There by John W. Campbell, Jr., which inspired the Hawks version), and 12 Monkeys (inspired by La jetée, by Chris Marker).

Sometimes those which the filmmakers call homages (or, if one feels particularly honest, rip-offs) to previous material may as well be remakes. Take Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, for example, essentially a timeworn tale of the murderous Thugee cult of India, dressed up in the Lucaspielbergian visual fantasticana, fed a big hunk of rip-snorting action, and played to its dizzying climax with the music of John Williams. This doesn’t make the film any less a good movie (Willie Scott does that job, and all by herself), but simply acknowledges a great story when it hears one, even if it’s over a century old.

This has not been happening recently.

Obviously, the folks of the Magic-Plated City are in the business of filmmaking for the money. The stunning amount of remakes in the last decade alone are a testament to this; there is an obvious benefit to making a big commercial endeavor with built-in name recognition. It started in earnest with Batman years ago (not a remake, to be exact, but an adaptation of a world-renown character), and has never stopped.

The staggering goofiness of it all is the apparent speculation on the part of Hollywood execs that modern audiences are so blissfully stupid that we can’t see what they are blatantly up to. Starting with Gloria back in the 90’s, and more recently Friday the 13^th, the Dream Machine has been reaching all the way, way back, as far as twenty years ago, to remake films that everyone has seen repeatedly, knows how they end, and were quite content with just the first one. One would think that since these original flicks were new enough at one time to inspire remakes that perhaps Hollywood would invest in new ideas, new writers, new talent that would produce a whole new title to exploit.

But, no. We get remakes. Retreads. Malibu Stacie with a New Hat. We’ve got remakes of movies nobody gave a damn about when the source material was new (Flash Gordon, 1980, to be remade by Stephen Sommers), multiple remakes of films that were …. okay, I guess (Freaky Friday, no less than THREE versions), and remakes of films that were hardly vintage to begin with - and I don’t mean remaking something from other countries or cultures, like Samurai, but more like the above mentioned Gloria (1980, 1999), or The Getaway (1972, 1994).

But there is a worser, far worser creature that skulks in the darkened hallways and deep sub-basements of our local movie theaters and pirated movie torrent sites. Yes, folx, ya’ll know what I’m talking about – the remake of the classic movie. I don’t mean simply old flicks that are aired on TCM all the time, no no –

I’m talking about the movies that taught movies how to be movies: Psycho. The Day The Earth Stood Still. The War of the Worlds. To call these movies misguided attempts to rake in cash via familiarity is giving far too much credit to the filmmakers: remaking these movies were entirely unnecessary, and an insult to the original pioneering filmmakers and audiences alike. Its as if some GIT (Guy In Tie) execu-honch walked up to the Mona Lisa and said, “Hey, how did Rembrandt or whoever expect to reach 18 to 49 year olds with a goofy-looking sorta half smile? I wanna see teeth, dammit, TEETH!”

To ‘update’ these venerable pieces with modern sensibilities is to wreck ‘em. They were films of their times, to be sure, but many of them had timeless messages that are relevant to even today’s reckless generation of hoodlums, miscreants, deviants, and, of course, baby boomers. The lesson from War? Technology does not make you superior. The lesson from Day? Stupid ideological arguments will be the death of us all if taken to far. The lesson from Psycho? If your choice is between an isolated little motel a ways from the highway in the desolate wilds of the Southwest, watched over by the empty eyes of a horrifying old house, and a Motel 6, go for the Motel 6. Said chain is not paying me a dime for advertising, but they’ll leave a light on for ya.

It has been said repeatedly, and I add my voice to the chorus, that if you’re going to remake movies, don’t remake the classics. Remake really, really good versions of bad films. Wanna see a good zombie flick? Make a movie about an invading species of aliens who infect the recently deceased in an attempt to overrun the human race. Lot’s a blood and innards for the gorehounds out there to watch. The original masterwork was called Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Hankerin’ for a gritty martial arts movie where two dedicated brothers punch, kick and chop their way through a relentless gang of equally talented thugs in order to rescue a damsel in distress? With Tony Jaa and some popular MMA dude who can speak dialogue without moving his lips when his co-stars talk? I don’t see anybody else making a Double Dragon movie. Why don’t you?

One does not set out to make crap. One either intends to make art, or sell merchandise. Excellent movies have been made because of both, as have turkeys. At least the guy who tried to make art can say he cared about his project and the intelligence of his audience. When you screw up trying to take advantage of people … well, you’ve seen Batman and Robin.

KMS